Fanfare > Parodies > Final Fantasy Dating Game
Original Airdate: April 7, 2002
Contestant: Lulu (FFX)
Bachelorette #1: Kuja (FFIX)
Bachelorette #2: Vincent Valentine (FFVII)
Bachelorette #3: Cid (FFX)
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*cheesy music starts*
Announcer - Hello there loyal viewers. We've been off the air for a while, because all the natural disasters and attacks on the studio eventually took their toll, and it collapsed. We've spent the last couple of months rebuilding. But now we are back for more insanity! And now your host, the world-famous psychopath and renowned villain, KEFKA!!
Kefka - Vweeheehee!! Hee hee! Hee hee! 'Scuse me...it's just been a while since I've done that! Anyway! Welcome to the FF Dating Game, brought to you by Choco Gysahl Greens! Not as regular as you'd like to be? Then try Choco Gysahl Greens! Vwee hee! Okay, now let's meet our contestant on the show, the beautiful, busty chick with a heart of stone, LULU!!!!!!
*crowd cheers*
Lulu - Yeah, hi....... ¬_¬ Glad to be here....I think
Kefka - Ahem, yes well, Lulu, glad you're so psyched about the show, cause have we got some bachelors for you! Bachelor #1! Meet Luuuuuluuuuu!
Announcer *to self* she looks like she's about to bust outta that dress any second
Contestant #1 - Well, hello there. I'm an experimental genome created by a crazy man named Garland to bring death and destruction to Gaia. I like to wear really girly outfits, hide my tail underneath my panties, and turn eidolons against their summoners. I also enjoy going insane and attempting to destroy the universe.
Lulu - Ummm.....yeah....*underbreath* Can we say "winner"? heh heh
Announcer - Since when did we start letting shemales on the show, anyway?
Kefka - Alright! Contestant #2!
Contestant #2 - Hello, Lulu. I'm a dark and sinister man who spends much of my time sleeping in coffins. I used to work for Shinra as a member of the Turks until Hojo stole my beloved Lucrecia, shot me, and then did horrible experiments on me. I spend most of my time angsting about my mistakes and complaining about my nightmares. But girls really seem to dig me anyway
Lulu - Yeah, I can see why. I like to wallow in the past too babe *winks*
*long silent pause*
Announcer *elbows kefka* Wake up doofus
Kefka *bops the announcer over the head* Don't call me doofus!! I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY DISLIKE THAT!
Announcer - Well then quit falling asleep on the job! I'm not getting paid to do two jobs you know.
Kefka - Contestant # farking 3!
Contestant #(farking)3 - YEEHA!!! HEY THERE KEFKA!! IT'S GREAT TO BE ON THE SHOW!! I'M THE MAN WHO BROUGHT THE AL BHED TOGETHER BEFORE THOSE DAG-NABBIT GUADO BLEW UP OUR HOME!! I LIKE SHOUTING WAY TOO MUCH AND BLOWING STUFF UP!!! AND OVERALL JUST BEING REAL LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS!! HOOAHH!
Announcer - He's louder than us even without a microphone O_o
Lulu *blinks* Huh? *pats ear* I uh....seem to have lost my hearing.....O.o
Kefka - NO! Don't make him repeat!!!!! I mean.........we only have so much time in one show
Cid - SORRY BOUT THAT LADY!!! I'LL TRY TO BE A LITTLE MORE QUIET!!!!!
Lulu *is blown out of her chair* O-okay......*walks back to it all unstable*
Kefka *to announcer* I'm surprised the weight of her chest didn't keep her grounded O_O
Announcer - Me too. But I'm even more surprised she's still in her dress after that ...
*into headphones* Status check on the foundation?
Techie - It's at about 80% sir. The man's vocal cords seem to have the power of a small nuclear bomb. We're gonna have to reinforce 'er a little bit
Announcer - Okay, just make sure the studio doesn't collapse again!
Kefka - Alright, anyway, before his voice causes the entire studio to go deaf, or this lady's dress gives out, we better get onto the questions! Take it Lulu
Lulu - Alright boys. Contestant #2.....what do you think of contestant #3?
Vincent - Um, well, he's very... exuberant. My left ear has completely given out O_o Even I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I'll take my hideous nightmares any day... But, uh, at least he's enthusiastic
Lulu - O.o well.....that doesn't seem like much consolation.....
Cid - HEY NOW BOY!!! YOU JUST BETTER WATCH YOUR LIP OR I'M GONNA BUST YOU UP!!!!! BUST YOU UP AND POUND YOU TO MOMMA!!!!
Lulu - Ahem! Contestant #3, I don't want you to talk a lot, so make your answers short. What do you look for in a woman?
Cid - WELL NOW, I LIKE MY WOMEN TO REALLY HAVE IT WHERE IT COUNTS, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HAW HAW HAW!!!! IT DON'T MATTER IF SHE GOT A FACE THAT'LL SCARE OFF A RHINO, LONG AS SHE'S GOT THE RIGHT STUFF DOWN --
Lulu - O.o Uh......
Announcer - Ummmm, uh, thank you contestant #3, I think that's enough..... (How's that structural integrity doing?)
Techie - (60% sir. We're working on it!)
Kefka - She's got the right stuff and then some O_O Can we say lower back pain?
Announcer - Hehe you got that right Kefka. I think she must have a titanium spine or something
Lulu - Can we quit it with the bad boob jokes already fellas......I'll rip you limb from limb if I hear another peep.......
Announcer - Oh gawd she's on edge! I'll be good! I'll be good!
Lulu *smiles* Contestant #1? Tell me where you'd like our dream date to be, and how you think the evening would go
Kuja - Well, I'd like to give you a tour of the scenic Iifa Tree. The aura is so delightfully evil there. And then perhaps what's left of Terra after I Tranced and destroyed it all, I just love being surrounded by destruction. And then maybe I could show you my tail... *breaks down into fits of girlish giggling*
Cid - SAY THERE BOY!!!!! YOU GOT SOME KINDA PROBLEMS OR SOMETHING!!!!!! YOU OUGHTA GET SOME HELP!!!!
Kefka - Tell me again what is my salary here announcer? *bangs head on podium*
Announcer - Um, remember sir, it got cut back because of the cost of rebuilding the studio....
Kefka *slams head down three more times*
Announcer - Please sir, stop slamming your head like that... it makes weird thumping sounds on the mic...
Kefka *crying* *sniff* I'm sorry, but........oh I HATE my life.....
Announcer *looks around embarrasedly, hands Kefka a hankey* Here you are, sir... blow...
Kefka *blows really loud*
Cid - SAY NOW!!! WHAT WAS THAT, SOMEBODY BREAK WIND THERE?!!!! MAYBE YOU OUGHTNTA EAT SO MUCH CHILI BEFORE GOING ON THE SHOW!!!! HA HA HA!!!!!!
Vincent - WOULD you please shut up. My Limit is building. If you keep shouting in my ear like that, I'm going to transform, and that's not a pretty sight
*part of the rafters falls down and crashes onto the floor below, some guys run in and clean it up*
*everyone acts like nothing happens*
Kefka - Alright "Busty", the studio is in danger of collapse, so hurry it up before that guy can talk anymore!
Lulu *huff* BUSTY!? Alright! That's it you farking Ringling Brothers' reject! *gets up from her chair*
Announcer - Uh-oh. We may need security in here!
Lulu - Eat hot death bitch! *casts firaga*
Announcer *to Kefka* Hey, that's called Fire3 where you come from. Times sure do change
Kefka *is knocked out in the floor, unconcious*
*Security guys run in* Uh-oh, he's KO!!!! Administer first aid!!!
*phoenix down* bloink
Kefka *stands up* *wobbles about* *hair is all fried and sticking up, cartoon style* *face is black* Look at the little birdies heh heh heh XD
Announcer - Sir, please, get a hold of yourself... it's not good for people seeing the great Kefka talking about the birdies
Kefka *shakes head* Ungh......what was that about birdies O.o What happened?
Announcer - Ummm, nevermind sir. Just don't ever call Lulu "Busty" again
Lulu *glares at announcer*
Announcer *withers*
Kuja *sniffs the air* I smell something... it smells like... flesh burning
Cid - HAW HAW!!!! THAT LIL FIREBALL OF HERS CAUGHT THE CURTAINS ON FIRE BACK HERE!!!! I'M HAVIN A BAR-B-Q!!!! CARE TO JOIN ME?!!!!! FRESHLY BURNED HOT DOGS!!!!!!!
Vincent - I warned you once... I'll warn you again... DON'T shout in my ear!!!!
Kefka - Can we hurry this up before our brains explode?!
Lulu - Contestant #2, if I pick you, could you beat contestant #3 to a bloody, unrecognizable, pulp?
Vincent - Yes!! I'd be happy to!! Just give me a few seconds to morph and I'll stick those hot dogs where the sun don't shine
Lulu *beams* Contestant #1? Boxers or briefs?
Kuja - Um, panties and thongs actually
Lulu O.o
Cid - DAMMIT BOY!!!! I'M GETTIN MIGHTY SICK OF YOUR GIRLY CRAP!!!!!
Vincent - I told you to STOP SHOUTING!!!! That's it, I can't take it any more!!!! *transforms*
Cid - HEY THERE BOY!!!!! WHADDAYA THINK YOU'RE DOIN!!!!! OW!!!!! WHY YOU MISERABLE LITTLE CRITTER!!!!!! YOU GIVE THEM HOT DOGS BACK!!!!!!
*lots of growling and violence can be heard*
Kefka - SECURITY!!!!! Wait.....no......Nevermind! I've been waiting fot this moment!
Techie - Sir, structural integrity still dropping. Especially in one area, right over...
*more rafters break loose and fall..... ....right on Cid's head, knocking him unconscious*
Kefka *jumps in the air, and thrusts arm up* YES! THERE IS A GOD! ^^
Announcer - I guess we should call the paramedics. Hopefully it'll be serious and they'll have to take him to the nearest hospital
Kefka - Hopefully.....
*buncha guys run onstage and drag cid off*
Vincent *transforms back to normal*
Announcer - Guess that leaves us with just two contestants... boy we sure have a high casualty rate on this show
Kefka - Maybe we should just have 4 contestants, since one is always offed, or leaves in a dramatic way. I'll look into that
Announcer - We could just use one as a backup, in case one of them dies or whatnot
Kefka -What would I do without you Announcer? *smiles real cheesy like* Anyway, Miss Lulu, have you made your decision?
Lulu - I think I have Kefka, and let me make it quite clear that the choices offered to me were "Slim Pickin's"
Announcer - Busty's got a real attitude problem doesn't sh--- oops, I mean, uh...
Lulu - Seeing as hopefully Cid is dead, and that tailed freak....... What?!! WHAT DID YOU SAY!?????
Announcer - I said, er, rusty!!! It's been a while since I did this show and I think my technique is a little RUSTY!!!!
Lulu *glares* Pray to God that I believe you, you sorry sack of *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*! And your mother too!
Announcer *sweatdrops* You leave my mother out of this!!
Kefka - Come on you two! This building could crumble at any minute! Let's just let the lady make her decision and get the hell out of here!
Announcer - Yes, er, so, your decision, Miss Lulu Ma'am?
Lulu - As I said before, seeing as hopefully Cid is dead, and that tailed freak is three times a lady with a panty fetish, I'm gonna have to go with that dark haired hunk o' meat ^_~
Kuja - Uck! This is outrageous! I can't take it. I'm going to go home and perm my hair, that will make me feel better
Vincent - So then, Bu, -- Miss Lulu, shall we?
Lulu - Oh yes! ^_~ *dips Vincent back and gives him the kiss of a lifetime*
Kefka/Announcer *nosebleeds*
Announcer - Well, that was a pretty good, peaceful show, for us anyway. Too bad we don't have more days like this
Kefka - I'm not so sure about that....*breaks off a piece of fried hair*
Announcer - Well yeah, aside from that
Kefka - Anyway, thanks for joining us ladies and gentlemen! Take it away Announcer! *goes off in search of a wig*
Announcer - Yes, thanks for joining us for another episode of the Final Fantasy Dating Game! Damage was fairly minor this time, aside from some broken rafters and fire damage, it should be easy to fix so we'll be here on schedule for our next show! Don't miss it! *This show has been brought to you by Chocobo Gysahl Greens. Your Chocobo not been up to snuff in the races? Feed him Gysahl Greens and his problems will disappear!* And, goodnight!!!
- Cast -
Announcer, Kuja, Cid(FFX), Vincent, Techie, anything mental in the bg - FlameWolf
Kefka, Lulu aka "Busty St. Claire" - Rinoa Caraway
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