Fanfare > Parodies > Final Fantasy Dating Game
Original Airdate: October 14, 2001
Contestant: Edgar Roni Figaro (FFVI)
Bachelorette #1: Relm Arrowny (FFVI)
Bachelorette #2: Ellone Loire (FFVIII)
Bachelorette #3: Eiko Carol (FFIX)
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*Cheesy music starts*
Announcer - Um... am I supposed to be saying something?
Producer - Umm.....announce the show, and um stuff like, and here's your host, Kefka! and elaborate if you want.
Announcer - Okay but this show doesn't have a name! It needs a name!
Producer - ACK! *curls up* *dies* I forgot about that!
Announcer - Crisis! Hurry! Adrenaline rush! Name! Name!
Producer - ACK! *panic panic* Oh gawd the creativeness has left mah body!
Announcer - Final Fantasy Dating Deluxe! Wait, that sounds like some sort of product!
Producer - It does!... Hmmm I sense a marketing opportunity there.
Announcer - Every Guy's Final Fantasy... hmmm, pretty dumb. We could always go generic... the Final Fantasy Dating Show.
Producer - Er, game.
Announcer - Um, yeah, game. Whatever.
Producer - That'll do.
Announcer - OK. *AHEM*
*Cheesy music starts again*
Announcer - Hello and Welcome to the one and only Final Fantasy Dating Game, the Final Fantasy Dating Game! Where all your fantasies are fulfilled! And now your host, the evil, diabolical, Kefka!!
Kefka - Mwahahaha-.....*actually listens to the music*
*blasts the speakers with Ice*
I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate ha....*5 minutes later* hate, that music!
*Sirens heard in background*
*Panicked screams*
Announcer - It's all right, everyone stay calm! It's just the speaker system! Nobody likes the music anyway!
Kefka - Vwee hee hee.....I love the sound of a crowd screaming in panic! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ha ha... *ahem*
*Sirens drawing nearer*
Announcer - (aside to security) Damn, we can't let them screw up the show! Go take care of them!
Kefka - Alright, let's meet our loser.....er um...vwee hee, contestant, Edgar Roni Figaro, King of that desert pit, Figaro.
Edgar - Heeyyyyy everybody!
*Crowd screams*
*Girls swoon*
Edgar - Thank you, too much really. Oo, who's the lovely lady in the third row? Hey sweetheart, we oughta get acquainted after the show! *winks*
*Sirens now very loud, sound of brakes screeching heard outside*
Kefka - Um....~_~, okay. *what an idiot* So, Edgar, tell us a little about yourself, so our ladies can know more about you.
Edgar - Well, I'm the king of Figaro. I helped to defeat... well, you, actually. Hey, what are you doing here? Thought we destroyed you! - but, anyway, I'm also one sexy bitch! Just look at this profile! (turns, assumes regal pose)
Kefka *rolls eyes*
*Gunfire heard outside*
Kefka - OK, vwee hee... let's get to know contestant #1.
Edgar - Woohoo, who's our first beauty? Don't be shy now!
*lil girly voice* Well, I'm an artist from Thamasa with a passion for being a total brat, painting people's portraits *wink*, and taking care of my aging grandfather
Edgar - Wait a minute! I know that voice!
Relm - No you don't!
Edgar - Awwww man! It's Relm! Try coming back after you've aged about 10 years! *looks disgruntled*
*More gunfire heard outside*
*Small explosion*
Relm *exits stage pouting*
Kefka - Vwee hee hee, little sicko. Contestant #2?
Ellone - Hello Edgar! I'm a brown haired, brown eyed girl from Esthar. I enjoy playing Triple Triad, taking my uncle Laguna and Squall into the past, and long walks in the park. *sweet smile*
Edgar - Hey heeyyyyy! This is more like it! What's happening, baby?
Kefka - Simmer down perv! Vweeheehee
*Large explosion*
Kefka - Contestant #3...
(voice in distance) Man down! Man down!
Edgar - What's going on out there anyway?
Announcer - Nothing.
Edgar - Oh, all right then.
*Very large explosion*
Kefka - Ahem, Vwee hee he---OH! What was that?! Don't make me come out there and use my Light of Judgment!
Security Dude - Don't worry boss, everything is under control back here.
*Pitiful screams*
*More gunfire*
Announcer - Kefka, the crowd's getting impatient! The third contestant!
Kefka - Contestant #3?!
*lil voice obviously trying to sound adult* Hello Edgar, you sexay thing! I'm a blue haired, green eyed BABE from Madain Sari! I love verbally abusing moogles, using white magic, hitting on way older men, and summoning Eidolons.
Edgar - Hey, she sounds pretty sexy.
Kefka - Alright, here's the vwee hee, rules...
(tough sounding voice) Go! Go! Go!
Kefka - Edgar, you'll ask each contestant a series of questions, which in turn, they will answer. After your contestant eval-- umm...
*Man in black fatigues with an assault rifle comes onstage*
Edgar - Who are you?! You're intruding! Good thing I brought this Genji Glove and Offering!
*Whack! 5000! Whack! 4000! Whack! 5000! Whack! 4000!*
Edgar - Hahaha! Take that evil villain!
*Whack! 5000!*
Edgar - Oh, he's dead already. *disappointed* Ok, um, yeah, rules...
Kefka - Vwee hee hee! Death! Destruction! I love my job! Oh, ahem...
Edgar - So I ask these ladies questions, eh?
Kefka - Yeah, that's right blondie, and after you evaluate them, you choose your dream girl, to go on a romantic date to Tifa's Seventh Heaven, in the beautiful Sector 7 slums.
Edgar - OK, first the brunette. This taking people to the past thing. If you could go back to any time period in
history, where would you go? And who would you take with you? *winks*
Ellone - Well, I'd probably go back to the day Dr. Odine learned how to talk, so I could correct that annoying accent. I'd most likely take a speech therapist with me =D
Edgar - Hey, I've got a cool English accent.
Ellone *swoons*
Edgar - OK blue-hair, you have a pretty sexy voice but you seem a little on the young side... how old are you?!
Eiko - I'm 25.....I'm just uh, a lil *slips back to childish voice* short *ahem* *switches back* for my age.
Edgar- Oh, OK then, just checking... OK, back to you baby. Do you think I look better like this (does cool pose) or from the side (does cool profile pose)?
*Sound of spells being cast outside*
Ellone - oO;; Umm....you look pretty nice from either side.....um, are you conceited?
Edgar - Conceited? Me? Of course not... *looks confused*
Ellone - Oh, okay then... The sexay profile ^^
Kefka *More eye rolling*
Edgar - OK, back to you again blue-hair. My brother Sabin has been giving me a hard time lately. So I need your opinion on this. Who's sexier - me or him? (pulls out picture of Sabin and holds it up. Childish mustache and horns have been added with a pink marker)
Edgar - Be honest!
Eiko - Well, um, you look exactly alike, except he doesn't have that yummay pony tail, and he could afford to lose those um, horns and mustache. Pink isn't his color. I'd say you!
Edgar - All right!
*Helicopter rotors heard overhead*
Edgar - OK let's get a little serious here. This one's for both ladies. Do you like red or white wine better?
*sound of missile firing* *really huge explosion* *building shakes* *some SWAT guys run onto the stage, are chased by several dudes in black armor and a big fight ensues*
Ellone - Well, I like the delicateness of white wine with light lunches in the afternoon =D
Eiko - Umm...*feels inferior being like 6* Well, I don't drink. The moogles wouldn't approve. Um yeah, that's it!
Edgar - I like white wine too! We've got a lot in common, baby. *winks* *flexes muscles a little* Moogles don't let you drink? Hmm, that must be tough... What's with all the guys with guns and the dudes in black armor?
Announcer - All part of the show.
Kefka *Throws a childish tantrum* I WANT A NORMAL SHOW! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE interruptions!
Edgar - All right then, one last question. This one is VERY important.
Kefka *Sighs* *Slams head on podium*
Edgar - For both ladies--do you like your hot chocolate with or without marshmallows?
*SWAT team is outmatched by the dark knight security dudes and retreats*
*Some janitors run onstage and start dragging off corpses*
Ellone - Oo;; well....um, without
Eiko - Marshmallows! I like tons and tons! It's so much fun to have toooooons of marshmallows! It's like just as good as that pink medicine they give me at the pediatri----, er I mean, it's really good.
Edgar - *raises eyebrow* Wow, I guess you really like marshmallows! Well, this is a really tough decision... Hmmmm...
Kefka - Okay loser...er Edgar. We'll let you decide, while we play this horrible music.
*Horrible music starts*
Edgar - Well, after careful consideration I've decided to do this the old fashioned way. (pulls out a coin)
Kefka *turns off horrible music, watches the coin*
Edgar *flips coin* Tails-brunette, heads-blue hair...
*Coin lands on heads*
Edgar - Guess it's you baby! (to Ellone) But don't worry, we'll have plenty of time to get to know each other later!*wink* *wink*
Kefka - Alright, Edgar! It's time to meet your dream date! Vwee hee!
Eiko *jumps out from behind the screen* *latches onto Edgar's neck* Come to Momma Babay!
Edgar - Whooooooa! What have I done?!
Kefka - She's a 6 year old summoner from Madain Sari, who is the second to last of her kind! Vwee hee, you're lucky!
Edgar - *moans*
Kefka - Meet Eiko!
Eiko *kiss kiss kiss*
*Last explosion is heard outside, sound of crashing helicopter followed by retreating cars*
Edgar - Um, you're 6? And we're going to a BAR???
Eiko - Sure!
Edgar - Well this is gonna be interesting.
Eiko - After that you can take me home, and we can play Candy Land!
Edgar - NOOOOoooooo! I'll get you for this, Kefka! I did it before and I can do it again!
*Cheesy music starts back up, drowns out Edgar's screams*
Kefka - Thank you folks for tuning into our show and we'll see you here at the same time, and same station! Vweehee, or else I'll come over and make you suffer personally!
- Cast -
Announcer, Edgar, crazy shit happening in the back - FlameWolf
Kefka, Eiko, Ellone, Relm, Producer - Rinoa Caraway
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