Fanfare > Parodies > Final Fantasy Dating Game

Original Airdate: October 23, 2001 Contestant: Sephiroth (FFVII) Bachelorette #1: Selphie Tilmitt (FFVIII) Bachelorette #2: Aeris Gainsborough (FFVII) Bachelorette #3: General Beatrix (FFIX)

*cheesy music starts*

Announcer - Hello everyone, and welcome to our second episode of the one and only Final Fantasy Dating Game, the Final Fantasy Dating Game! And here's your host, everybody's favorite whacked-out villain, Kefka!!!

Kefka *stares at the speakers* Jiminey Tap Dancing Cricket! Where do they find this music?! Oh? We're on?! Vwee hee good. Hello ladies and wildebeests, it's time once again to introduce our lucky or unlucky bachelor and his three bachelorettes to choose from.

Announcer - So who's our lucky guy for the night??

Kefka - Well, he's the ever diabolical Sephiroth! Though not as diabolical as me mind you......Welcome Sephiroth!

Sephiroth - Hello and well met, fellow villain.

Kefka - Yes, yes. Well, Sephiroth, tell us a little about yourself.

Sephiroth - Thanks to the SOLDIER program and Jenova cells, I am an ungodly powerful killing machine. I went insane after finding my true origins and tried to become a god by summoning a meteor to smash into the planet. At the end, however, I foolishly decided to morph into two extra-hideous and wimpy forms and was defeated by that little spiky-headed thorn in my side, Cloud Strife and his little friends. But I did manage to kill Aeris before my planscame crashing down around my ears. Nothing is more satisfying than killing the hero's true love. Hahahahaha!

Kefka - Ooooh, aren't we just sooo great *eye rolling*

Sephiroth - *draws Masamune* Are you mocking me funny little man?

Kefka - Oh, no, I was uh, vwee hee hee, let's meet our ladies now!

Sephiroth - Yes, let's.

Kefka - Contestant #1! Tell about yourself!

Guess Who - Tee hee! Heeeeya Sephiroth! I'm a 16 year old chicky from Trabia Garden, who recently transferred to Balamb! I love people, trains, making up annoying train songs, and toooons more! Woo hoo! Love. Peace. And Happiness Sephiroth! ^_^

Sephiroth - Love peace and happiness? Not once I form the new world in my image... Soon I will become one with the Planet... You will all be diffused into my will. It always pays to have a backup Meteor! Ahahahahahahaha!
*Does very cool-looking summoning spell, world becomes very dark*

Announcer - Well now, let's get on with the show, shall we? *sweat drops*

Kefka - Ummm....that doesn't sound good.....Um, Contestant #2!

#2 - Hi Sephiroth! We've met before....and um *plop* Oh, sorry....*picks up arm* It's so hard to keep together these days...... Anyway, I'm a flower girl from Midgar, and I enjoy making people happy, hitting on other people's boyfriends, and ummm, praying with a useless materia.

Sephiroth - What?! But you're supposed to be dead. Hmmm... wait a second... if I were to get a date with Cloud's one true love, his misery would be complete! Yes! A perfect evil plan.

*world gets a little darker*

Kefka - Um, yeah....Contestant #3?

#3 - *thinks, this guy's whacked* ... Oh, hello Sephiroth!

Sephiroth - Well hello there ^^

#3 - I'm the general of Alexandria who loves serving the Queen, performing my duties to my utmost, and blushing around a clumsy, goofy Captain.

Sephiroth - A working girl eh?

*air raid sirens go off*

Beatrix - You could say that ^_~

*sound of huge rockets being fired*
*super ultra massive explosion*

Kefka - Alright, enough with the flirting, on with the.....what the!?

Sephiroth - Hahaha! It is futile! You cannot destroy the new, improved, Meteor Mark II!

Kefka - Um, okay....yeah... Vwee hee.

Sephiroth - Bet YOU never did anything so cool to YOUR world like crashing a Meteor into it now did you?

Kefka - No, but um, well, I was a god! Vwee hee hee hee hee hee.

Announcer - Um, Kefka? Shouldn't we get on with the show?

*world grows still darker, ominous sounds can be heard from the sky above*

Kefka - Yeah yeah! I'm gettin there! Anyway, you know the rules fools. Our lucky couple will be on a date in the "Secret" Place in lovely Balamb Garden. What you do there is pretty much your business....so um.....vwee hee.

Sephiroth - I am all-powerful! Soon everything will be mine!

Kefka - Sephy-boy....you can ask the questions now.....

Sephiroth - I... oh, right...OK, Ms. Love Peace and Happiness. Where did you get such an annoyingly cheerful attitude? Why don't you accept that the world is a dark, horrible place that will be so much better once I become its new god?

Selphie - Ummm, because I'm not in the same world as you? I believe you can make your world a happy place if you believe in MIRACLES! =D

Sephiroth *falls to floor gagging* No!! Argh!!! *slowly regains his composure and gets back to his feet*

Kefka - *winces* Oh God, this is bad!

Sephiroth - All right... Aeris. What do you think of the fact that after your untimely death, instead of mourning your loss as he should, Cloud instead found comfort in the arms and jugs of that all-too-perky-and-leggy barmaid Tifa?

Aeris - HE WHAT!? I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL KILL HER TOO! I'M GONNA GO POSTAL ON THEIR ASSES-.....I mean, Oh no......he did. That's horrible. I thought he loved me.....*boo hoo*

Sephiroth - It's true! You were forsaken! Hahahahahaha!

Aeris *sniff* *snort*

*Sound of gigantic beam weapon powering up in the distance*

Kefka - Oooo betrayal! I love my job! Mwahahahahahahaha... Oh, excuse me....back to the questions...

Sephiroth - Now the working gal. So you serve your fat, ugly, and evil Queen faithfully do you? How does it feel knowing that your skills are being used to fulfill the whims of an ignorant fat-ass?

*very loud electric buzzing sound*
*huge shockwave as a gigantic cannon is fired, followed by an unholy huge deafening explosion*

Sephiroth - Oh just give it up why don't you!!!

Beatrix - Well, um, I never thought of it that way. I always just thought it best not to upset her in any way. I don't want to be sat on you know. Actually, I was waiting for her to have the big one, since she's at such high risk, so Garnet will be queen!

Sephiroth - So, you secretly wished for the Queen's demise eh?? Ever consider poison or assassination??

Beatrix - No no.....I want it to be natural... I don't want any fingers pointed.

Sephiroth - Hmm... that's disappointing. Oh, well... *suddenly tears off cloak and shirt leaving himself bare-chested* Yes! I can feel it approaching! Soon it will destroy a huge chunk of this pitiful world and I will be right in the middle as it tries to repair itself! Then I WILL BE ALL-POWERFUL!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *abruptly composes himself and returns to normal* Ahem, uh, yes...

Kefka - Oo;; You need cable, don't you?

Sephiroth - The cheerful little brat again... I understand that you have the most powerful Limit break in your world, known as "The End," capable of defeating even powerful Bosses like myself instantly. Do you really think it's fair that the most bratty, annoying character (you) should get such a powerful skill?

Selphie - Well, yeah! Do you think anyone would put me in the party if I didn't have it? So it might not be fair, but it's my gimmick ^_~ Tee hee

Sephiroth - Hmmm, good point... Surprisingly good answer for a brainless child...

Selphie - Tee hee, I try

Sephiroth - Aeris, you again. I've heard from many people that they thought the scene where I impaled you with my six-foot-long Masamune was the "most moving moment in videogame history." How does it feel knowing that so many legions of fans mourned your loss? Does that make your untimely demise worth all the pain and misery?

Aeris - Hmmm, I think it's very overwhelming to see how much people were really disappointed that I had to go. =D I would have liked to have stayed longer, but it would make the game kinda lame if the hero got stuck with the most beautiful girl yet again. So um, yeah it was worth it. Plus I got my prayer in, just in time, so it screwed you up, down and all around.

*the world is now very very dark as the Meteor Mark II draws ever closer*

Sephiroth - Yes, in retrospect it probably would have been smarter to kill you a little earlier. Maybe I shouldn't have taken so long climbing all the way up there so I could do that dramatic falling thing. But then it made the scene soooooo much cooler.

Aeris - Yeah.......it did....but why Cloud couldn't have said something earlier baffles me.

Sephiroth - Not the brightest bulb in the box, that Cloud. And God he needed a haircut! ...

Working girl again! As the enforcer for your Queen I imagine you do a fair share of fighting and decapitating and such. What would you say is your most amazing accomplishment in the battle arena?

Beatrix - Well Seph, I must say when I knocked that wimpy monkey boy and his two other lil friends into next week. I always hate when lowly idiots come up and challenge me, as though they are even going to make a dent in me. *rolls eyes* Well, every time was totally embarrassing for them, so yeah, that felt good. Having 1 as your HP at the end of every battle must be humiliating.

Sephiroth - Yes, humiliating the heroes is so much fun isn't it?

Beatrix - Sure is! ^_~

Sephiroth - I loved it when I singlehandedly defeated that dragon with two swipes of my ludicrously large sword. Of course that useless Cloud was no help at all, died on the first fire breath attack. But wait, that was really Zack, wasn't it? Cloud was in a Shinra uniform the whole time because he didn't even make it into SOLDIER... aghhh, these convoluted plots make my head spin!! ... Well whoever it was he sucked up the place.

*world is now very very very very dark as the Meteor draws very very very very close, F18-A Hornets can be heard flying overhead in a last ditch attempt to destroy the Meteor Mark II*

Sephiroth - Hahahahaha fools! It is useless!! ... All right... one last round of questions before I make my decision...

Kefka - Knock yourself out Sephiroth....*mutters* literally.....

Sephiroth - I heard that you stupid overrated clown! Don't make me shove that 'vwee hee hee' where the sun don't shine!

Kefka *thinks: You wanna make something out of it pretty boy?!*

Sephiroth - All right cheerful girl, your turn again... What makes you think, with a personality like that, that ANYBODY in their right mind would EVER choose you for their date?!

*sound of many missiles being fired heard overhead*
*lots and lots of explosions*

*kkkkk* Sir it's no good! They have some kind of energy shield!

Selphie - Well, I think I'm an attractive, young, charming girl with lots to offer. If someone doesn't wanna go out with me, they probably just "hate me cause they aint' me"! Tee hee

*kdkskkkk* What's going on? It's opening up! This may be some kind of response!

Kefka - WHAT!? Sephiroth!? Is this your doing?

*kaboom blam boom*

Sephiroth - Hahaha... gotta love those accessories

Kefka *sigh*......could you like not and say you did Sephiroth? We're trying to do a show here.....

Sephiroth - I'm doing a show AND enacting my plan to become all powerful at the same time! Now tell me, how many villains do you know who can manage that?! Hahaha...

Kefka - .........you cad.....you came here just to make me look bad! *lunges at Sephiroth*

Sephiroth *quickly draws Masamune* Stay back clown!!!

Announcer - Security! Security!

*a bunch of black knight dudes run onstage and drag off Kefka kicking and screaming*

Announcer - You can't let him get to you like that sir! He's just goading you into a fight!!

Kefka - I AM NOT A CLOWN! I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT!

Sephiroth - And furthermore, I'll bet you don't look this good when you take your shirt off! Hahahaha!

Black Knight Security Dude - Just ignore him sir!! We all know the true best FF villain is the great Kefka!!

Kefka - >_< I'm gonna do something NOT very NICE in a minute here!

Announcer - No! The show must go on!

Kefka *taking deep breaths and counting to 10*

Sephiroth - bring it clownie boy!!! Everything does 0 damage to me!! Remember the flashback?? Can't touch this! *sticks out his tongue at Kefka* *swings around Masamune a lot and accidentally decapitates a few people in the front row*

Sephiroth - I'll settle this right here, right now! Let's just ask the ladies! Who's the cooler villain? Me or that little deranged clown with delusions of grandeur over there

Selphie *sees the sword* YOU!

Beatrix - Ummm.... *gulp* *left my sword at home* You

Aeris - Just to be a jerk......Kefka.....

Sephiroth - !!!!!!!! You will pay for this!!!! *rages out of control, lunges at Aeris and stabs her again*

Aeris - OH MAH GAWD!!!!! *runs with her hands flailing in the air and screaming madly*

Sephiroth - Still alive? Damn! Tough little wench! *chases her around the stage*

Aeris - AHHHHHHHHHHHH! SECURITY!

*suddenly a mysterious man in a black cape drops from above and lands in front of Sephiroth*

Mysterious Man - Enough! Stop this.

*Sephiroth screeches to a halt*

Sephiroth - Who are you?!

Aeris O_O

Sephiroth - Get out of my way!!! She insulted me!! And I've stabbed her TWICE and she's still alive! She must die!!!

Aeris - NOOOOOOOOOOO! *runs backstage*

Sephiroth *starts chasing after Aeris again*

Mysterious Man - *sighs* I warned you... *snaps fingers*

*Sephiroth's pants fall down, revealing... TEDDY BEAR BOXER SHORTS!!!!*

Sephiroth - AHHHH! NOOOOOO!

*much laughter and mocking from the crowd*

Sephiroth *quickly pulls his pants back up*

Selphie - Teee heee heee

Mysterious Man - And that's not all. I also have pictures here of his stuffed animal collection. Here's a good one of his-

Sephiroth - Noooo! Stop!!!

Mysterious Man - You promise to be good?

Sephiroth - Yes! Anything! But don't show them the pictures!

Mysterious Man - Very well. I'll be watching you Sephiroth *flies up into the air spins around and vanishes in a burst of light*

*medics run onstage and start patching up Aeris*

Announcer - Um... what was that?!

Sephiroth *still sweating and shaking* OK, ummmm... I think I'm ready to make my decision now...

Kefka - Vwee hee *can't get over Sephiroth's lil "undies"* Who will it be, boxer boy?

Sephiroth - Shut up! Before I... *remembers the Mysterious Man's threat* ahhhh... do nothing. Well, it definitely can't be little miss cheerful over here... And Aeris insulted me, plus she's probably not too happy now that I've stabbed her again... So, I guess we'll have to go with the working gal! We both like humiliating heroes so we have that much in common, anyway

Beatrix - =D Oh wow! A date with THE Sephiroth!

Sephiroth - That's right! And don't forget my Masamune is SIX FEET long! Hahahahaha!

Beatrix - Oooooo, really.....*wink* *laughs* I'm gonna have a good time at that Secret Place tonight ^_~

Sephiroth - Mwahahahaha

Kefka - Um....yeah, well, this is cable you two, so tone it down?

Announcer - Um, I think we've heard just about enough of that...

Announcer - Well, that concludes another episode of the Final Fantasy Dating Game! But we have left many questions unanswered! Will Kefka and Sephiroth have a villainous showdown? What happened to the Meteor Mark II that was mentioned so many times throughout the episode only to be forgotten? And who is the Mysterious Man?? Tune in next time, same time, same place!!!

- Cast -
Announcer, Sephiroth, Mysterious Man, more crazy shit in background - FlameWolf
Kefka, Beatrix, Aeris, Selphie - Rinoa Caraway

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