Fanfare > Parodies > Final Fantasy Dating Game
Original Airdate: December 10, 2001
Contestant: Edea (FFVIII)
Bachelorette #1: Heidegger (FFVII)
Bachelorette #2: Irvine Kinneas (FFVIII)
Bachelorette #3: Amarant Coral (FFIX)
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*cheesy music starts*
Announcer - Llllllllladies aaand gentlemen, welcome back yet again to the ONE and ONLY Final Fantasy dating game, THE Final Fantasy Dating Game. And let's give a biiiiiig welcome to our host! Adored by women and envied by men! The amazing! The indomitable! KEEEEEEEFKKAAAAAAAAA
Kefka - Vweeeeehehehehe! It's good to be back! *quiets everyone down* Now, get ready to meet today's contestant! She's a mean little lady from Galbadia! She's evil, she's sexy, and she's all in black! Heeeeeeeere's Edea!
*crowd erupts into cheers* Hooray for the Sorceress! Let the horrible new reign of terror begin!!
Edea *comes out* Why thank you my darlings! Thank you! You are the scum of the earth, I truly hate you all! *gentle smile* *is very possessed today*
*crowd cheers even harder* She called us scum! Yay! I feel so honored!
Announcer *aside to Kefka* Wow, the sorceress is really popular. We almost have a riot on our hands.
Kefka - Well now Edea, it's time to meet your poor unfortunates! Contestant #1!
#1 - Gyahahahahaha! I'm the general for the forces of Shinra, Inc.! I spend my time trying to avoid President Rufus, trying to kill that little pesky Cloud and friends, and laughing like a maniac with my partner in slime Scarlet! Gyahahahaha!
Edea - Ooooo, i-n-t-e-r-e-s-t-i-n-g
Announcer *aside to Kefka* He's also fat
Kefka - Got that right..... Alright, contestant #2!
#2 - Hey there, little lady! I'm an expert sharpshooter from Galbadia Garden. I like using my image as a suave gunman to gain the favor of the ladies, choking under pressure, and saying "so like" wayyyy too much. And I've got a really kewl cowboy outfit to boot!
Edea - So like, I think I know you......*body shakes* *booming voice* "NO YOU DON'T" *end booming voice* Oh wait.....no I don't
Announcer 0_0 ... That was disturbing
Kefka O_o ... Alright, that was.......strange.......*plastic smile* Contestant #3!
#3 - I'm a loner bounty hunter from nowhere in particular. I like trying to bring down monkey boy, prove my independence with pointless, futile gestures of selfishness, and spending 2 hours every morning waxing my hair into this ridiculous 'do.
Edea *makes an L on her forehead* LOSER!
Amarant - Hey now... that was uncalled for
Announcer *aside to Kefka* I'm getting worried, sir... we're through all the introductions and we haven't had any catastrophes yet
Kefka - Yeah....beef up the security
*yellow alert! yellow alert! all troops go on standby! shift to ready status!*
*rrrrrnt, rrrrrrnt, rrrrrrnt*
Announcer - There, we're at Defcon 2. I think it's safe to continue with the show now
Kefka - Allllright! Now! Onto the questions!
Edea - Alright, Contestant #3......how high, in feet, is your hair......you can give an estimate
Amarant - Well, it's more swept back than upward. Probably not more than a foot high, but it goes back a good 3 1/2 feet
Edea - Have you ever gotten it caught in a door?
Amarant - Yes, several times. It's a shame that haunts me every day. And the ridicule... why should I be an object of insults just because I have unique taste in hairstyles? WHY? *breaks down into sobs*
Edea - O_O *Matron side kicks in* Oh, now don't cry dear.....it's nothing to be ashamed of. Infact *body shakes* MAYBE YOU SHOULD SCRAPE THAT DEAD ANIMAL OFF YOUR HEAD SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO BAWL LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!
Amarant - Fine! I can't take it anymore! I QUIT!!!! *sound of electric buzzer is heard behind his screen*
*dark red hair flies all around the studio in huge clumps*
Kefka - Ummm......whoam okay.....*is scared by home haircuts*
Announcer *turns ventilation up to maximum* *chokes on the huge amount of hair in the air*
Kefka - Contestant #1 What's your idea of the perfect date with moi? *deformed outline of her shaking booty in front of the curtain*
Heidegger - Gyahahahaha! First I'd like to stuff myself at an expensive restaurant, then take you to a hotel and stuff YOU! GYAHAHAHAHA! I'll show you my own personal "Proud Clod"!!! Gyahahaha!
Edea - Oh my........*nosebleed* Don't get ahead of yourself horse boy......I've yet to see you *wink wink*
Heidegger - Gyaha! Don't worry, I'm very well-rounded, and there's lots to love! Gyahahaha!
Edea - Oooooo
Announcer *I'm not sure this is really appropriate for network television...*
Kefka - Break it up! I CAN'T WATCH THIS! Get on with the questions, for the love of God!
Irvine *is lining up Heidegger's fat ass in his sights* Hehehehe ... Easy target
*black knight security dude notices strange red dot waving around on Heidegger's ass* Hmmm, that's odd
Edea - Alright #2. Tell me why you pretend to be so suave, when you know you'll eventually fall apart and make an ass of yourself?
Irvine - Well now, that's only in high-pressure situations. It's not every day I have to assassinate a sorceress where the fate of the world rests on my shoulders, you know? So like, most of the time, I'm as cool as can be.And I never miss. Like right now for instance.
*BLAM*
Heidegger - YOWWWWWWW
Irvine - Hehehehe
*Heidegger starts cussing up a storm*
Kefka - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Announcer *Can't help but chuckle watching Heidegger jump up and down clutching his arse*
Kefka - What a fat loser.......we only drag the large ones on the show for ratings anyway, so it's no loss
Announcer - Ahh, but 'tis always good for a laugh. Ohhh, fat people are funny {disclaimer: the Announcer's views do not necessarily reflect those of RFF or its employees/associates. We have no discrimination against the horizontally excessive}
Kefka - You got that right.....*slaps his leg and continues laughing*
*audience laughs along with them* *everybody mocks Heidegger*
Heidegger *turns red* *starts shaking* It's not funny... wah... wahhhh....
Kefka - Suck it up fatty......
Heidegger - That's it! I'LL SHOW YOU! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!!!!!!
*presses a button*
*the Proud Clod rises up from underneath the floor*
Heidegger - Now I will show you my TRUE POWER!!!! Gyahahahahahaha!
Irvine - *tips hat* Looks like it's time for me to step in
Kefka *slow motion* Oooooh shiiiiiiiit! *jumps to the ground in slow mo*
Irvine *Limit Break* *Hyper Shot* FIRE! 9999! FIRE! 9999! FIRE! 9999! FIRE! 9999! FIRE! 9999! FIRE! 9999! FIRE! 9999! ... damn out of pulse ammo
*Proud Clod shakes*
*starts exploding*
Heidegger - NOOOOOOOO
*KABOOM*
*A very charred (and still fat) Heidegger falls to the ground amidst the wreckage of the Proud Clod*
Kefka - Who's up for roast pork?
Irvine *prods Heidegger with his foot* Hehehe. Damn I'm good
*medics come and revive Heidegger, then drag him offstage*
Announcer *smacks forehead* Can we just get on with the questions...
Kefka - Ummm.....there's only one contestant left really......I don't think Amarant's gettin a woman even though the hair-do's gone......
Amarant - Wait! Not so fast! *runs out* *now has really hilarious buzzcut* *he looks like a skinhead* Whaddaya think? Say hello to MISTER SEXAY!!
Edea - OH MAH GAWD! GET AWAY!
Irvine *brushes back his ponytail* Don't worry babe, I'll take care of this guy if he's bothering you
Announcer *slams head on podium*
Kefka - Oh good lord! Just take the pansy cowboy home! *slams his head alongside Announcer*
Amarant - Bring it on you stupid... cowboy with a ponytail! Hahahaha! A cowboy with a ponytail! What kind of moron are you anyway?! A cowboy with a ponytail, WAHAHAHAHA
Irvine - Hey now... I did take out Heidegger, didn't I? Why's everybody turned against me all of a sudden?? *tips his hat down over his eyes*
Amarant *pulls out his claws* *gets in a fight with Irvine*
*some security dudes try to break it up but get thrown out of the fight* *it's a good ruckus*
Edea *watches with much excitement*
Announcer - Oh good lord, this is ridiculous!
*Announcer runs out and pulls Irvine and Amarant apart*
*Both have lots of scrapes and bruises*
Announcer - Now you behave, or I'll call the Mysterious Man on you!!
*Irvine and Amarant are seething and give each other evil looks, but stop fighting for fear of what the Mysterious Man would do to them*
Edea - Ummm...hello, Mr. Announcer? I think I've made my decision
Announcer - All right, let's hear it
Edea - Well, seeing as he revealed and kicked the fat ass of Heidegger, and then probably would have kicked that home haircut reject's behind as well, I pick Irvine
Irvine - Yayyyyy
Voice - Not so fast!!!
*crash* *explosion* *sound of gunblade singing through the air* *a hole appears in the wall and Seifer jumps through and lands between Edea and Irvine*
Seifer - No!!! I am the Sorceress' Knight! I won't let you take her! She - she won't forsake me! I'm her loyal bodyguard!
Irvine - Oh give it up you pathetic wannabe!!
Announcer - Kefka, do something!
Edea - BUT SEEEE~IIIFER! You got to be on the show!
Seifer - C'mon Edea, you can't do this to me! I thought I was yours forever!!
Kefka - We're conducting a show here! *Light of Judgement on Seifer's behind*
Seifer - AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
*falls to the ground*
Irvine *steps over his limp form* Loser!
Announcer - Good job sir, I knew you'd take care of him
Kefka *proud smile* Why thank you Announcer! :D
Irvine *dusts himself off* Well baby, shall we? ^^
Edea - Why I'd love to! *takes his arm and walks off with him, whispering obscene suggestions in his ear*
Irvine *big grin* Wow, sounds kinky! Hehehe
Kefka - Well, that wraps up another awful show......security, get the hack job off the stage, and Announcer.....take it away!
Announcer - And so concludes another episode of the always-crazy Final Fantasy Dating Game! Tune in next time right here at RFF. So long folks! Buh-bye!!!!!!
- Cast -
Announcer, Irvine, Amarant, Heidegger, Seifer, anything crazy in the back - FlameWolf
Kefka, Edea - Rinoa Caraway
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