Fanfare > Parodies > Final Fantasy Dating Game
Original Airdate: October 30, 2001
Contestant: Queen Brahne (FFIX)
Bachelorette #1: Cyan Garamonde (FFVI)
Bachelorette #2: Zell Dincht (FFVII)
Bachelorette #3: Seifer Almasy (FFIX)
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*cheesy music starts*
Announcer - Hello and welcome to our THIRD episode of the one and only Final Fantasy dating game, the Final Fantasy Dating Game! Today's episode is going to be special - we are having a bachelorette come in and take her pick of three lonely bachelors! And now... your host. The one! The only! Kefka!!!
Kefka - Vwee hee hee! Welcome freaks! It's time for the show, and BOY! Do we have a surprise for YOU! This week's contestant is a lady who has a larger than life presence, *under breath* not to mention other things*, and rules an entire country with a big assed---er....iron fist! It's Alexandria's, Queen Brahne!
*crowd gasps*
*boom* *boom* *boom*
Brahne - HELLO!! *makes kissy faces at the crowd*
*people fall over left and right*
Kefka - Umm,.....medics? Ahem, anyway, have a seat or two right over there madam.....*shudder*
Brahne - Thank you Kefka!
Announcer *or three, or four...*
Brahne - It's an honor...Huh?
*as the repercussions from Brahne's steps sink deep into the earth, a huge earthquake starts forming deep below the planet's crust...*
Brahne - Umm, okay *blink* As I was saying, it's an honor to be here Kefka. Thanks ever so much for inviting me! *snap snap snap goes her chairs*
Announcer *I need a raise...*
Kefka - Yeah, whatever pig woman......I mean, the pleasure is mine. Ummm, onto our contestants. Contestant #1! Tell us about yourself!
#1 - Greetings! I am a proud knight of the grand country of Doma, the marvelous, most beautiful kingdom in the world, until it was poisoned by thee, ye treacherous swine. My entire family was killed in the process. I have been lonely as of late, so I have come here to seek a mate!!
Kefka - Mwahaha.....there's more than enough woman here for you, I guarantee......
Cyan - ????
Brahne - *stupidly* Huh?.......
Kefka - Ahem, Contestant #2!
#2 - Hey, what's up man! I'm an expert martial artist from Balamb Garden! I like kicking ass, never ever standing still, cussing up the place, and HOT DOGS, baby!!!
Brahne - Oooooooh! Hey there big boy! *wink wink* *smooch* I love hot dogs too! LOTS OF THEM!
*stage starts rumbling imperceptibly*
Kefka - OH GOD! BEFORE THE STUDIO FALLS DOWN!! CONTESTANT #3!???!!!
#3 - I'm leader of the Disciplinary Committee and the BEST gunblade user from Balamb Garden! My ROMANTIC dream was to become the Sorceress' Dild--I mean, Sorceress' Knight. My dream was fulfilled, but that pitiful Squall got lucky and defeated me time and again. Finally I got sick of being kicked around by everybody and quit. But someday I will get revenge!!
Zell - No! Is that who I think it is?!
Seifer - Chicken-wuss?!?!
Zell - I AM NOT A CHICKEN!!!!!
*security guys get ready to break up a brawl*
*Zell shakes with rage*
Kefka - Umm? Guys? Don't you want a beautiful woman? Is this mwaha really worth it?
Zell - *takes deep breaths* *slowly counts to 10*
Kefka - Okay, on with the show. Brahne? Got your questions ready? *under breath* you mad cow......
Brahne - Oh, yeah! I'm ready! I'm PUMPED. hehehe
*deep rumble permeates the air*
Brahne - Contestant #1? Hey there sexay. *out of breath laughter* My question for you is, what's your favorite food?
Cyan - Oh, well I have always been partial to seafood. 'Tis settling for the stomach, 'tis it not, fair lady? Some swordfish with a touch of wine does wonders for the disposition. Dosn't thee agree?
Brahne - Oh seafood! I once made an entire all you can eat sea food buffet shut! That's how much I love it! I'm keeping you in mind babay
Cyan *is starting to grow a little concerned*
Kefka - Oh man....vwee hee, I could pull that tired "seefood" diet joke thing, but I think I'll pass......Brahne?
Brahne - Huh? *is thinking of food* Oh yeah.....hehe Contestant #2? Hey there. If you could take me anywhere for the perfect date, where would it be? Oh, and would it include fooooood?
Zell - Well, if you like food so much, can't get any better than the Balamb Garden cafeteria! The hot dogs are incredible! But you've gotta get there early or they'll be all out... the hot dogs are really popular, baby!!!!
Seifer - Shut up Chicken-wuss.
Zell - Hey why don't YOU shut up asshole!!!
Seifer *chuckles*
Brahne - Oooooooh! Hot dooooooogs!
Kefka - Wouldn't you feel bad, eating your relatives and all Brahne? vwee hee hee
Brahne - Relatives? Huh?
*huge rumble* *some stuff falls from the rafters and knocks out a few of the black knight security guys and some of the audience* *a spotlight falls on Zell's head*
Zell - OWWWWwwwwww!
Seifer - Good thing it hit you on the head, Zell. You could've gotten hurt!!
*Zell starts for Seifer but security is ready and drags him back behind his screen*
Announcer *shakes head* Can't we ever have a normal show? It's like Jerry Springer...
Kefka - I hate my life........ *slams head on podium* Alright, big ass? Er.....BRAHNE! Anything else to add?
Brahne - I have a feeling you're being mean.......*is kinda fat and stupid if you haven't noticed*
Kefka - Mean? Me? Nooooooooooo.......You must be thinking of someone else.....
Brahne - Okay.....I'll believe you this time, but you better watch it buddy....... Contestant #3... In your mind......what is the most romantic thing you can think of in a split second? Does it include food?
Seifer - Umm... when I think "romantic" the first thing I think of is the Sorceress Edea, our beloved matron. She may be double my age but she still gives really good se... I mean, um, being a sorceress' knight, what could be more romantic than that? And no, that doesn't really involve food.
Kefka - You didn't "grape" her?
*building starts shaking violently*
Brahne *is just switching "cheeks"*
Announcer (to security) Activate the Aerofoil!
Security - But sir!!! It's still experimental! It hasn't been tested yet!
Announcer - I don't care! This is an emergency!
Security *flips a switch*
*Mechanical clangs and whirrings heard throughout the building*
*It transforms into a huge airship and takes off*
*But only gets 2 feet off the ground because of Brahne's weight*
Security - Huge stress on the engine sir!!
Announcer - Do what you can to stay in the air! If we're on the ground all hell will break loose!
Security - I'll try sir...
Announcer - OK, um, just ignore all those odd sounds, folks. On with the show now...
Brahne - Alright, Mr "Seafood". How do you envision the perfect lady?
Cyan - Oh, maiden of the lands! Fair in shape of face, sweet of demeanor, with long, beautiful hair that flows in the wind like a gentle stream! Lovely in appearance, manner, and soul! And... um... curves in all the right places, with just the right amount of everything!
Brahne - Ooooooh......then I think you found your dream girl! *cups the back of her head with her massive hand, bats her eyelashes, and swings her hips* *whoosh* *woosh* Tee hee
Announcer - GAHGGHGHGHG!!! *turns to corner retching*
Kefka *is gagging as well* *whispers to announcer* That's not a woman. That's a hyena in a dress......
Announcer *whispers to Kefka* That was the most horrifying thing I've ever seen
Brahne - Alright and for the last two. Do you like a woman with "lots" to offer? Physically?
Zell - Um... that could be taken a number of ways...
Seifer - What exactly are you implying?
*all three guys are getting very nervous*
*loud whining sound comes from somewhere in the building*
Security - The stress on the engine is too great! It can't take any more of this!
Announcer - Curses!
*huge crash, building shakes violently as it falls back to the ground*
Brahne - I mean voluptuous. *imagines herself alot smaller than she really is apparently*
Kefka *hangs onto the podium*
Zell - Oh, well, if you mean, voluptuous, that, uh, sounds good to me!
Seifer - Voluptuous? That's my kinda woman!
Kefka - Alright Brahne.....have you come to a decision? Or have all the fat cells replaced the brain cel---er ready?
Brahne - Yeah <3 <3 I'm ready! *switches other cheek* *snap snap snap go her chairs*
*another huge rumble*
Announcer *smacks self over head with microphone repeatedly*
Kefka *bangs head on podium some more*
Zell - *pssst... uhhhh... Seifer? Why are they doing that?*
Seifer - *Shut up Chicken-wuss*
Zell - *Damn you!!!* *Starts bouncing up and down and punching at the air*
Kefka - Hurry up tub o' lard, before we lose the studio!!!!!!! I mean, vwee hee.....*pats forehead* Go on
Brahne - After much delibating......
Kefka - Deliberating?
Brahne - Yeah, that
Announcer *starts slamming head against wall*
Brahne - I'm going to go with Seifer
Kefka - Seifer!? COME OUT HERE! TAKE HER!!
Seifer *steps out from behind screen* *looks at Brahne* *does a double-take* Uh..uh..uh... Uhhhh...
Brahne *comes "booming on over"*
Seifer - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOO!
Brahne - SWEETUMS!!!!!!
Seifer - AAHAHHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Brahne *lunges at him*
Seifer *starts panickedly running in circles*
Zell - Haha! Oh thank GAWD she didn't pick me! Suck it up Seifer! Hahahaha!
Cyan - Thine poor soul! What a horrible fate has befallen thee!
Brahne *runs after him, for as long as her massive butt can sustain the exercise*
Seifer *gets trampled under Brahne's mass*
Brahne - Sweetums?
Seifer *moans*
Brahne *looks around stupidly* SWEETUMS!? HE LEFT ME!!!!!!!
*medics run onstage*
*Brahne's behind starts taking on a life of it's own*
Medic - My God! He's been impaled on his own gunblade!!
Brahne - SWEETIE!! NOOOO!!!!!
Announcer - Brahne's behind seems to be taking on a life of its own. This is NOT GOOD.
Brahne *throws herself to the ground*
Announcer - oh NOOO
*KABOOM*
*everybody falls down*
Kefka - Look at it go......what on earth do you imagine.....*trying to get back up*
Black Knight Security Dudes *start casting Protect, Shell, Regen, and other protective spells on Kefka and the Announcer in preparation for what's coming*
*a small voice* help.......me...
Brahne *listens* I.....I know that voice..... Is it? Is it my.....
Voice - Brahne?.....H.e.l.p..m...e....
*a man starts emerging*
Announcer - OH GAWD!!!
Alexandrian citizen in the audience - It's the "supposedly" dead King of Alexadria!
Brahne - Sweetums!!!!!!!!
Zell - How can you be ALIVE after being in... in... umm.... *turns green*
Cyan - Discretion art the better part of valor! I can take no more! *runs offstage at Mach 8*
Seifer *grunts as medics pull his gunblade out of his stomach*
King of Alexandria - I wasn't *huff puff* Really "in" there.....I was merely trapped.....well, I'm too much of a gentlemen to discuss those sorts of things
Kefka *runs to Seifer's side* Mr. Almasy! You're free! They found Brahne's husband! Vwee hee
Seifer - Ohhh... what?? Oh thank gawd!!!
Kefka *turns to the camera* Well, ladies and wildebeests, it's been real, and it's been fun.....*sees Brahne again* but it hasn't been real fun. We're gonna have to say adios until next time! Make sure to tune in next week, when our guest will be....well......I don't really know who it'll be, but they'll be hella smaller.....vwee hee. So, take it Announcer man!
Announcer - Um, well, I guess that's all folks!!!! Tune in next time, same time, same place! *urk* *runs off camera,starts gagging again* I don't get paid nearly enough for this crap...
- Cast -
Announcer, Zell, Seifer, Cyan, yet even more crazy shit in background - FlameWolf
Kefka, Brahne, King of Alexandria - Rinoa Caraway
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