Fanfare > Parodies > Final Fantasy Dating Game
Original Airdate: Who Knows, 2001
Contestant: Raijin (FFVIII)
Bachelorette #1: Garnet Alexandros (FFIX)
Bachelorette #2: Scarlet (FFVII)
Bachelorette #3: Terra Branford (FFVI)
|
|
*cheesy music starts*
Announcer - Hello folks, and welcome to the one and only Final Fantasy dating game... THE Final Fantasy Dating Game! And the network has made us promise never to have Queen Brahne on the show again - they've got dozens of lawsuits on their hands and they're still coming in. So don't worry, that will never happen again! So now... your host, everybody's favorite homicidal maniac Kefka!!!
Kefka *comes out waving to the audience* Vwee hee hee! Who's ready for another dating disaster!? I know I am! Vweehee! So let's bring out our lucky bachelor! He's big, he's stupid, and he's on Balamb Garden's DC! It's Raijin!
Raijin *walks in* Heya Kefka!!! Good to be here, ya know?!
Kefka - So, tell us a little about yourself Raijin.
Raijin - Well, I'm part of Seifer's posse, ya know. We were all in the Discplinary Committee in the Garden 'til Seifer decided to go with the sorceress! Things got a little outta control for a while but he's back to his senses now. Me and Fujin are with Seifer to the end, ya know?!
Kefka - Yeah,....Now! Let's meet our laaaadies! Vweehee! Contestant #1!
#1 - Hello Sir Raijin. I'm the 16 year old princess of Alexandria. I enjoy getting kidnapped, telling my attack dog knight to behave himself, and flirting with Mr. Monkey-boy! =D I'm very pleased to meet you. *waves to the audience*
*A low rumbling sound is heard far away*
Raijin - Hey a princess!! I'll bet she's got power and money all over da place, ya know?! This is off to a good start! Ya know!
Kefka - Yeah, I know already man.....vwee hee, Girlie girl #2!
*Low rumbling sound is coming a little nearer...*
#2 - KYAHAHAHA! Hello there Raijin! I'm an employee of ShinRa Inc. I happen to be high up on the food chain there too! Kya haha! I enjoy laughing like a maniac, slappin around ho's who dis me, and.....laughing like a maniac
Raijin - Another chickie with power and money! This is gettin' better and better, ya know?!
*Individual noises can now be made out in the low rumbling sound... tank treads and mech's legs stomping are heard drawing nearer*
Kefka - Again? This show can never just be a normal one huh? I mean, I'm a pretty normal guy right? Vwee hee
Announcer - Oh great... (to security) ... get ready for the worst... (to self) ... At least the station agreed to start giving me hazard pay
Kefka - Onto contestant #3
#3 - Hiya Raijin! I'm half human, half esper, and I can take down armies of men with mah magic! ^^ I like wondering why I don't quite fit in, working with rebel groups, and taking pot shots at Kefka!
Raijin - Wow, whole armies of men? That's great - I like my girls strong!... Hehe ummm... ya know.
Kefka - O_O Taking pot shots at KEFKA!? Who in the name of Vwee hee are you!? Oo;;
*Cannons start firing, explosions break out everywhere. Sirens start going off and pandemonium ensues outside the studio*
Kefka *throws self to the ground* EVERYONE DOWN! DON'T PANIC!
*Black knight security dudes start running around all over the place like chickens with their heads cut off trying to figure out what to do*
Announcer *sighs* Cmon, we're used to this now... let's just get it done with so we can get outta here.
Kefka *gets up* *dusts self off* You're right. Let's get this over with! Alright Raijin! You know the rules! Ask away!
*Studio shakes violently*
Raijin - Princess chickie. So, what kinda ruler do you like to be? Do you like peace and love and all that stuff or do you rule with an iron fist like the sorceress?? Cuz I've had it up to here with the world always being controlled by some crazed dictator!! Ya know?!?!
Garnet - Well, with my mother in the way, I really can't do much of anything. Though if I were in power, I would rule fairly. I'd want all my subjects to have an equal opportunity for all the riches in life. ^^
*Deafening explosions everywhere, screech of supersonic engines as airplanes fly over, high-pitched whine as missiles and bombs are dropped, machine gun fire and men screaming and running everywhere*
Raijin - This explains why I had to sign all those waivers! Boy getting a date is dangerous nowadays... ya know?!
Kefka - Sure is! *holds his cards in a shaky hand* Go on Raijin! We have to get this done before we all die!
Raijin - OK, the corporate chickie! I can't help but wonder, what's up with that laugh, ya know? It's still ringin' in my ears from five minutes ago!! I mean, no offense, but are you a chickie or a horse? Ya know?!?
Scarlet - Kyahahaha! I've always laughed like this! Kyahaha! I'm a chick of course! Unless you'd like to come back here and find out for yourself! *wink wink*
*Studio shakes violently again*
Announcer - Argh! Activate the experimental force shield!!
Black Knight Security Dude - Aye aye sir!!
*whirrrrrrrrrrrr*
Announcer - You should be proud Kefka! We developed this shield with Magitek technology! It's impenetrable!
Kefka *smiles* *proud tear* Oh you guys......vwee hee......
Raijin - Now the half-human half-espudo... ummm... epade... espel... um.... ...
...
Raijin - Ya know!!!!
Terra - Esper?
Raijin - Yeah that's it!!! You said you can take out entire armies with your magic... that's pretty impressive, ya know?! What do you do with so much power? Ya know??
Announcer - (God, that's getting more annoying than Brahne... if he says 'ya know' one more time...)
Kefka *whisper* Tell me about it buddy... vweehee
Terra - Well, I try to use it for good. That is, unless of course, some moron with waaaaay too much power captures me, and puts a slave crown on my head. Then god only knows what I might do.....
Announcer - (Kefka! She's insulting you sir!! She called you a moron!)
Kefka - WHAT!? A MORON! WHO IS THAT BACK THERE!?
*Whirrrrrrrring sound gets a little louder as the Magitek force shield absorbs countless explosions*
Kefka - COME OUT! *stomps up and down* COME OUT COME OUT COME OUT!
Announcer - Uh-oh!!! Security!!!
Terra *comes out*
Kefka - YOU!!? WHY I'LL KILL YOU! *chases Terra around the stage*
Raijin - Whooooaaaa! Hey you're really not a bad-lookin' chickie!!!! Hehe ya know! Heeyyyy!! What are you doing Kefka??!?!
Raijin *does Raijin Special on Kefka*
Kefka - UGH! *is knocked onto his behind*
*Security guys scramble all over, drag Terra back behind her screen and hold back Kefka and Raijin*
Raijin - That's not nice Kefka!!!! You leave the chickies alone!!! Ya know!!
Announcer - (Dammit, again! I swear to Gawd if he says that one more time...)
Kefka - Oh what do you know, you moron! *rubs his behind* Owwwwww!
Security Dudes *release Raijin and Kefka*
Announcer - OK, on with the show...
*Whirrrrrrring sound gets disturbingly loud as the shield continues to absorb massive explosions*
Kefka - Next question......*makes faces*
Raijin - OK... (under breath) clownie-boy... Back to you, princess! I think I remember you saying something about flirting with a monkey... well, that's kinda disturbing, ya know? I mean, a monkey?? You ever consider seeking help about that? Ya know?
Announcer *takes deep breaths* *counts to 10* (Five years until retirement... five years until retirement...)
Garnet - Oh no no no! Not a monkey! He's a genome, but well, my overprotective knight calls him monkey boy, because he's got a monkey kind of tail. I don't need help for that silly ^^
Raijin - A genome?!?! *is confused* *looks around stupidly*
Garnet - It's his species......
Raijin - Well, I guess there's no problem then! Hehehe! Ya know!!!! Though it's still kinda odd flirting outside your species... ya know.
Announcer *is shaking with rage* (ya know ya know ya know ya know ya know ya know ya know...)
Kefka: *shakes as well* *the idiot is getting to him*
*ka-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
*whole studio shakes as Magitek force shield overloads*
Black Knight Security Dude - Whoooooa! Hehe maybe I should have flipped that "no overload" switch... oh well... hehe
Kefka - O_O ???? Raijin! Hurry up! We all might be dead soon!
*A bunch of guys in camouflage suddenly run onto the stage from outside*
Kefka - Now what's this!?
Soldier Dude - That's it!! We need to garrison this building for a foothold against the enemy!
Black Knight Security Dude - Don't think so buddy boy!!
*Huge fight breaks out on the stage, magic and bullets flying everywhere*
Announcer - (ignoring everything) Hurry up Raijin, next question... (taps fingers impatiently)
Raijin - Oh yeah! Hehe sorry about that... ya know. (ducks as fireball goes over his head)
Kefka *is hiding behind his podium*
Raijin - Ummmm... corporate chickie again! So, uh... *frowns as his meager little brain thinks hard* .......... What's your favorite color??
Scarlet - Ummm......kyahahahahaha! Red! Kyahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Raijin *grips head in agony* Arrgghgh!
Announcer - Awww the pain!!!!!
*Fight is still going on, soldiers and black knights running all over da place causing a big ruckus*
Kefka *mind is everywhere* *goes crosseyed and passes out*
Announcer - Medics!!!!
*Medic runs onstage and waves some smelling salt under Kefka's nose*
*Medic is suddenly gunned down*
*Another medic runs onstage to the other medic* Full-Life!!
*That medic is abruptly gunned down* *Other medic is hit with Ultima just as he gets up*
Kefka *coughs* *wakes up* *shoos them all away* STOP HOVERING! I'M OKAY!
Raijin - So... the Half-Nespert chickie!!
Terra - ESPER!!!!
Raijin - Oh, sorry... Gesper. I got it now!!! Hehe ya know!!
Terra - ESPER DAMMIT!!!!!! *heavy sigh*
Raijin - Uh-oh... she's gettin' mad!!! *looks scared*
*rooms starts flashing with bright lights*
Terra *morphs*
Raijin - Uh-oh! This can't be good! Ya know!!
Announcer - (STOP SAYING THAT DAMMIT!!! GRRRRRRRRR)
*piercing screams are heard behind the curtain*
Terra *flies all around the studio and then busts through the roof*
*Fighting stops for a couple seconds as everybody stares*
Raijin - Hey!!! Where'd she go????
Kefka - Oh great! The moron made our contestant leave!
Raijin - Um... sorry... *looks ashamed*
Kefka - Yeah yeah, quit your whining, and get on with it!
Raijin - Guess it's back to you princess! So... uh... (frowns again as the wheels slowly start turning) ... um... what kinda music do you like? Hehe ya know?!
Announcer *Rage is building to uncontrolled levels*
*Fighting is still going on, it's total chaos as knights and soldiers run everywhere slaughtering each other, and suddenly a mech bursts through the wall and blows some stuff up before getting blown away with Meteor. But everybody just acts like nothing's going on*
Garnet - Ummm, classical. I love Berlioz! =D Other than that, music from plays!
Raijin - Berlio-what? Uh jay jee jo jo see?? *looks around stupidly some more*
Garnet - Berlioz......the famous classical composer?
Raijin - OK, I gotta think of another question for the corporate chickie! Boy, all these questions sure are hard work, ya know?
Announcer - ...... THAT'S IT!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! *trance* *limit break* *Announcer runs up to Raijin and starts beating him savagely with his microphone*
Kefka - DOWN BOY!
Announcer - STOP... SAYING THAT!!!!! YA KNOW YA KNOW YA KNOW YA KNOW YA KNOW YA KNOW YA KNOW!!!!!
*Man in black cloak drops down from rafters*
Kefka O_O
Someone in Crowd *gasps* It's the Mysterious Man again!!!
Mysterious Man - Announcer, stop! Get a hold of yourself!
Kefka - You again! I'm not gonna have to see my co-worker's underwear am I?! Vwee hee!
Announcer *is screaming like a maniac and still beating Raijin up with his microphone*
Mysterious Man *shrugs* Oh well... you asked for it... *picks up the Announcer and chucks him through the hole Terra made in the roof*
Raijin *gets up whimpering and covered with bruises*
Mysterious Man - It's all right, Raijin. He can't hurt you anymore.
Kefka *slaps forehead*
Mysterious Man - Well, my work here is done. AlakaZAM!!!! *flies into the air, shoots fireballs all over da place, sets off some fireworks, and then vanishes with a pop and a flash of light*
*Fighting on stage resumes again*
Kefka - Oh god! My rock to lean on is gone! *falls to the floor in despair* Just pick a girl you dolt.......... *is in a pathetic pile*
*Announcer suddenly crashes through roof making another hole and lands on the stage next to Kefka in a heap*
Kefka - Announcer!? OH! YOU'RE BACK!!!! *cries tears of joy and gives the "Vwee hee" of his life*
Announcer *moans*
*Soldiers and black knights stop fighting and choke up with emotion watching the tearful reunion of Kefka and the Announcer*
*Soldiers and black knights drop their weapons and all start holding hands and singing songs*
Raijin *looks embarrassed* *stops whimpering* OK... I think I know who I'll pick, ya know. I just can't stand that horselaugh so I'm gonna have to go with the princess! Ya know! Even if she does flirt with Genononomes. C'mon out here chickie!!!
Garnet - Me?! *comes out from behind the curtain*
Raijin - Wow!!! I think I made a good choice ya know!!!! Hehe you're one damn sexy girl, ya know?! *tries to look cool*
Garnet *blushes* Why thank you kind sir! *curtsies* *walks off into the sunset with Raijin*
Kefka - Oh Announcer.......*sniff* Wrap up the show man.....vwee hee
Announcer - Ugh... Kefka... I'm not feeling too good... you do the honors this time *winces*
Kefka - Well, thanks for tuning in......it's been.....a ummm......interesting.....thrilling.....annoying.....heartwarming show. I hope you all had fun! Tune in next week for another edition of FF Dating Game! See you next week! *tears streaming down his face* I love you all! Really! *picks up the Announcer and walks off into the sunset as the soldiers and knights sing Kumbaya*
- Cast -
Announcer, Raijin, Security, Mystery Man, still more crazy shit in the background - FlameWolf
Kefka, Garnet, Scarlet, Terra - Rinoa Caraway
HOME
 |
Fanfare
 Fan Art
Parodies
$ue For Custody
Weekly Features |